India is a great country. Not because the world thinks so,
it’s because that is how we Indians like to think. But given a chance, most
Indians would leave the country for Europe, Canada, Australia and most
importantly USA. Even if Indians do go abroad, we take some of the pride with
us and see India as the best country in the world that has the best culture of
them all. This is complete hypocrisy at its worst. This is the reason why
Indians abroad has no “white” friends; they never go to the pub with their work
colleagues and stay ghettoised within their own community.
If you did hate India, then here are 15 things you can do to
piss us off when you get back home.
Ask which caste we belong to
Indians are divided into castes. Hindus in particular are
divided into so called, upper and lower castes. In the olden days, the sole
purpose of the lower castes was to serve the upper castes. Things have changed;
the lower castes have become very rich and powerful given the 50% reservation
in government jobs. So if you did want to piss an Indian off, just ask if they
belong to a lower caste. But remember caste discrimination is against the law
but there is no law against asking someone which caste they belong too. Sikhs
too have their own caste system. They claim that they give equality to all
castes but the reality is that caste discrimination is very much alive both in
Hinduism and Sikhism. Muslims of India too are divided into sects and they hate
each other. The worst thing you can ask an Indian is if they belong to a lower
caste.
Tell us that Kashmir do not belong to India
Most Indians do not talk about Kashmir but if prompted, you
can find yourself in a heated debate. In order to piss an Indian off, just tell
them that Kashmir does not belong to India and the people of Kashmir are being
killed and raped by the Indian army. You should tell them that there should be
a referendum just like Scottish referendum and if people of Kashmir said ”Yes”
then it should be handed to Pakistan or given independence.
Tell us India is a poor country
Indians have a lot of pride in them. If you tell them that
India is a very poor country and there is a lot of poverty, hunger and lots of
beggars all around then you will be hitting the Indians right where it hurts.
Tell them that a poor country like that of India they should not be investing
in missiles, space satellites, nuclear weapons and so on. Tell them that India
should feed its poor first and then think about sending missions to space. How
can a country spend a lot of money on useless programmes rather than feed its
dying children. This will really piss Indians off.
Enter the temple with your shoes on
Indians consider shoes as dirty and they like to take it off
before entering their homes. They definitely take their shoes off when entering
temples. So if you wanted to piss Indians off then enter temples with your
shoes on.
Tell us that Indian women are ugly
I wrote about
Indian women being the most beautiful in theworld. Some would agree and some would not. Many Indians take pride in the fact
that many Indian women have won several beautiful pageants – Aishwarya Rai,
Diana Hayden, Yukta Mookhey, Priyanka Chopra etc. If you wanted to piss us Indians off then tell us that
Indian women are very dark and not very beautiful. Tell them that they won
these pageants not because they were beautiful but because other competitors
were not able to answer the judge’s questions appropriately. Also you can make
fun of the sari (saree) which is nothing more than a piece of cloth wrapped
round the body.
Tell them that Bollywood movies suck
We Indians love watching Hindi also known as Bollywood
movies. In fact, Indian housewives are either cooking and cleaning or watching
movies. Tell them that these Hindi movies are crap. They are too long, full of
useless and vulgar songs and make no sense of the story lines. Tell us that
Bollywood will never compete with Hollywood.
Abuse the game of cricket
We Indians love cricket and everything that has to do with
the game. If you wanted too piss Indians off then tell them that cricket is the
most boring game in the world and is only played in poor countries. Tell them
that Indians are not good in sports and hence they play cricket where talent is
not required. Make sure than you foul-mouth Sachin Tendulkar and Virat Kohli
who are considered as the best batsmen India has produced. Tell them Indians
will never beat Australia.
Call an Indian a Paki
Calling an Indian a Paki will not work in India but it does
wonders in the UK and USA. Paki is the short form of “Pakistani” and used
commonly to denote a person from South Asia. The word “Paki” originated in
England where they saw waves of Indian and Pakistani immigrants to their
country. The word is supposed to be derogatory and racist and Non-Resident
Indians abhor the word. If you wanted to piss an Indian, call them a Paki but
then you will branded as a racist. Your idea is to piss them off and not appear
as racist.
Tell us that Indians are dirty people
Like in the Western world, Indians do not use toilet paper
to wipe their arse. Instead, we Indians use water to wash the backside with the
left hand. The idea is to pour water on the left hand and rinse the back side
till it is clean. (More on Indian toilets here). Tell the Indians that they are
dirty people and it’s disgusting to use the hand to wash something as bad as
pooh. Tell them Indian men scratch their testicles in public and urinate
wherever they want. Tell them that they lack hygiene and that is why India is
suffering from various water-borne diseases.
Talk about politics
Most Indians love politics. They will support one party or
the other. Find out which party they are supporting and then foul-mouth them.
Let’s say if I were to support the “BJP” which is supposed to be a Hindu
nationalist party, and then tell that they were involved the massacre of
innocent Muslims of Gujarat and they are anti-Muslims and fascists. If they are
the supporters of the Indian National Congress then you can tell them they were
involved in the 1948 Sikh riots and they are nothing more than a privately run
enterprise by the Gandhi Family. If they are the supporters of the AAP party
then you can tell them that they are “AAPtards” (derogatory word used for those
supporting the AAP party) are nothing more than anarchists.
Tell South Indians that North India is better
There is a somewhat divide between the North and South of
India. South Indians have a raw nerve when it comes to North India. South
Indians are pissed off because New Delhi, the capital of India lies in the
North and secondly most powerful politicians come from the North. Tell South
Indians than North is better than South India. Tell the South Indians that Hindi
is a great language and they should also learn the language.
If you do the reverse where you tell North Indians that
South India is better then it’s not going to work. We North Indians know that
South India is boring and their languages suck big time.
Tell us that you love eating beef (this is a good one)
The
cow is a revered animal. Lord Krishna was a cow herder and the cow is
considered as a mother. Hence the cow is not eaten. In fact, in some Indian
states, slaughter of the cow is forbidden. So if you wanted to piss an Indian
off then ask an Indian, “how to cook beef curry”. Better still, go to an Indian
restaurant and ask for beef curry and tell them not to make it too hot. (Here’s
where to eat beef in India).
Ask Sikhs about their hair
All Indians are very touchy about their religion. There was
a time in the 1980’s when the Sikhs wanted their own country but their demand
was eventfully suppressed. Terrorism was rife in the Punjab and Delhi. In fact,
Hindus were deliberately hand-picked and killed in Punjab (where most Sikhs
come from). The police too was very brutal and committed atrocities. Every Sikh
with a turban was thought to be a terrorist or a sympathiser for the cause of
the separation of Punjab from India. It was not a happy time. But things
changed and peace prevailed. This has led to Punjab to become one of the most
prosperous states of India. But the scar remained.
Sikhs can be found in most parts of India and most religious
Sikhs can be identified as they wear a turban on their head. If you wanted to
piss an Indian Sikh then tell them how ridiculous their turban looks.
Consumption of tobacco is considered a sin just in the same way as eating beef
for Hindus and drinking alcohol for Muslims. You can always light up a
cigarette too piss them off.
Tell Muslims of India that they are not Indians and were
converted
Muslims of India are still not fully integrated and in order
to piss Indian Muslims off, you can tell them that they are not Indians. Tell
them that they came from outside as invaders and settled in India. Worse still,
you can tell them that their ancestors were once Hindus and where forced to
convert into Islam by the Muslim rulers of India. You can also tell them that
you love eating pork sausages and beer to go with it.
Tell the Indians that India is a bogus democracy
We Indians take pride that India is a democracy. In fact, we
Indians like to think of India as the world’s largest democracy. But you can
touch a raw nerve by saying that India is not really a democracy. You can tell
them what kind of democracy is India where people do not really vote for change
but vote for someone who belong to the same caste and religion. You can say
that despite being a democracy country, India is still wrecked by poverty,
social injustice, high illiteracy rates, rampant corruption; politicians steal
money and stack them in Swiss Banks and so on. I am sure you will over the step
the mark and piss some of us Indians off.
I hope I have not offended anyone. We Indians are pretty
cool but some things get on our nerves.
It is well known that Hindus consider the cow as sacred but what you are about to see is going to knock you over so I suggest you take a seat. 
